nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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