She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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