You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
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