he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
