Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
