Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
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