When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
