i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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