Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
