I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
What's proper 1 nite stand etiquette?
Say hi to his dad and make him some breakfast.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Randomize
