I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
i think i just lost a toe
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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