the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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