your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
