i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
