do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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