Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
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I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
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i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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