I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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