Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
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