Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Randomize
