Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
