when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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