just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
