he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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