Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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