i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
