Already got asked if we're dating
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Randomize
