whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Houston, we have a squirter
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Randomize
