i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
