She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
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