oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Randomize
