The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
This gyro tastes like lonliness
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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