Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Randomize
