Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
