He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
