I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
