somebody snuck up and got me drunk
K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
