I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
