So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
