your parents love me but you hate me
Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
