whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
