My underwear smells like fireworks.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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