Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
You were trust falling into bushes
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
