turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
