I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
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she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
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And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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