i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I licked your asshole in confidence.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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