I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
