you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
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so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
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How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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