Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
