just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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