Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
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