Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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