i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
