I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
