Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I wish you could order shots online.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Randomize
