Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Randomize
