fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
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