OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
