you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
