jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Randomize
