Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
