I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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