thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
It's like God shit irony all over that family
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
