Can i not drive my cunt home
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
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