i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
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