im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
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